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Archive for Mehefin, 2013

          Well things aren’t going very well at the moment. First of all the email finally landed telling me that my grant application had made the shortlist but that I was ultimately not one of the lucky ones who’d be starting a fellowship this time around. Then the paper I submitted based on the main findings of my thesis was rejected in record speed from the journal I’d tailor-made it for. As if this wasn’t all bad enough, I completely fluffed a meeting which might possibly have led to a short-term position…I was so nervous, and feeling so awkward and cringe-some that I transformed into a monstrous version of myself, talking at a ridiculous pace and talking over the bewildered professor who had agreed to meet with me. At the end of that meeting I had a serious existential crisis – what on earth was wrong with me? If I couldn’t have a sensible conversation about my career then was I really cut out for all this in the first place? Beyond that, how could I be a good researcher if a simple conversation was so difficult? Was I in fact destined to go down in history as the worst researcher and aspiring academic of all time?  Luckily I went around to see Maribel and her wife Seren, who helped me to realise this was just my reaction to my current panic-inducing situation of the possible stalling of my career. I must learn to accept these little blips as a part of my whole personality and recognise that I have good and bad traits and that that’s okay; nobody’s perfect.

          Meanwhile, I am giving a presentation based on my thesis at Treffin University this Wednesday…so I’m here, on a Sunday, yet again, trying to persuade myself to practice…surely I know this stuff by now? Why is it so hard to keep from saying too much with each slide? I really mustn’t mess this up.  I’ve also got a book review to finish and the re-packaging of the main findings paper, not to mention the systematic review for my main job…and all this whilst desperately casting about for some kind of stable employment by the end of July…whilst feeling like a burned out husk who needs to rest for a few months…sigh. I’m so despondent I can’t even think how to end this post properly, except to say that I feel your pain Ed Wood…I just hope it isn’t my destiny to join you in the dubious distinction of being the very worst at what I aspire to be!

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